On any given basis, I’m normally very amused by spam.

No spam can upset me or penetrate my amusement.

Except this time.

Today, I got an email with THIS IMAGE.

Um, who’s this lady? RIGHT profile?! What did she do with Vince Offer?! WHY IS SHE SMILING!!

You might remember my review of the SlapChop. This does not, in fact, entice me to click the highly hackable link that was embedded in this image contained in the email. Not at all.

This is a dark day in the world of spam. A dark day, indeed.

02/08-02/14 PMSBuddy.com

Football is over. It’s almost baseball season. You got opening day set on your calendar, but something’s missing. That’s right, there’s no website telling you when your special lady friend is entering those delightful few days she has each month.

First of all, the words PMS and Buddy shouldn’t be right next to each other, nevertheless, in the same sentence. Strike 1. It’s a site about PMS. Strike 2. The curve ball in the dirt is you don’t have to ask and/or find out the rough way, the internet tells you. Okay, so it’s 1 and 2, what’s gonna put you on base? Yes. Don’t swing. Take the next 3 pitches and hope for a walk. Chances are you’re gonna strike out or ground out to the shortstop anyways.

It has tips for guys… which I strongly suspect are written by a woman:

When all else fails, flowers will always do the trick. They are kryptonite to PMS.

Do something special for her and show her you care. A bottle of her favorite wine should help calm things down.

Go to Match.com if it’s really that bad, maybe something’s amiss. As they say, it never hurts to look.

Give her the ultimate gift. Suprise her with a special vacation, romantic cruise or weekend getaway!

During PMS women can feel bloated and unattractive. Show her how you really feel with some sexy lingerie.

I’m just glad that these tips don’t mention diamonds. PMS could get really expensive.

Overall it’s a harmless and informative tool that is saving relationships one month at a time, and it’s free! Check it out at pmsbuddy.com and go to bat.

Don’t forget to wear a helmet.

The number 27 is really starting to freak me out. It’s like the Lost numbers, but in a cool way… where it doesn’t involve an island or a time loop theory but rather interesting life coincidences. This season is actually pretty good! JJ better not pull any stunts where they take two 4 month breaks in the middle of the season. That pissed me off. That and the whole “Obey” Hanso Foundation commercials in season 2 or 3 that were advertising at the end of each episode. Who else remembers that? It was the secret code equivalent of “Drink your Ovaltine” to what was really an advertisement for Sprite. It was clever, but seriously. Totally not cool.

Screw you guys, I’m going home.

How much is your site worth? Check it at $timator.com.

As a digital retoucher of 9 years, I feel I’ve gotta weigh in on this story – if not just for me, at least for someone else out there with an opinion and a stick to shake. I’m sure there are tons of other Photoshop “experts” out there on every forum and comment system giving advice and slamming reality when they get the chance. I get it, it’s a power trip.

Some comments I’ve seen:

“ugh…..she needs Botox, not only on face, but also…”

“oh oh, you’ve found the crypt vault.”

“what she needs is a bottle of vicodin and a double barrel shotgun. she could use her female hyena stlye mock penis to pull the trigger.”

Sure, I can be a fan of knocking celebrities down a peg if that makes you feel better about yourself whilst entertaining, but there comes a point where insults go unwarranted for the circumstances. Madonna is 50. She’s led an unusual life as an entertainer and pushes her time and energy to a degree most people can’t fathom. I’m no fan of hers, but I’m understanding as to how or why her looks are just that – and for her age, you gotta admit that she’s in decent shape with minor cosmetic surgery.

All preliminary left brain analysis aside… WTF ARE YOU DOING!!!

Seriously, you’re not in your 20s anymore… stop it. And given the economy, this is not the best way for you to sell sex. Maybe giving it away would work better in your situation. The only one who can help you now are digital retouchers to create a false reality for everyone else so you can continue your glamourous career as a national product. It would be nice to see, how can I put this.. less skin and face? I don’t know who the photographer or assistants were on this shoot but the lighting is terribad, and don’t get me started on the stylist or any of your reps that approved these outfits and ‘look’.

Whether this is a publicity stunt of new heights or a serious photo faux pas, it’s garnered attention from everyone on the nets, including me. Being the photo sabotager that I am, I can say I’ve had my fair share of miracles to perform on models, but they’re not 50 trying to look 25 and sexy.

Dear Paris Hilton,

Thanks for the job security.

Bryan

(Photos courtesy of theblemish.com. See more photos here.)