Not sure who wanted to know, so there you go!

With that, I leave you one of my favorite exchanges from Monty Python and The Holy Grail:

ARTHUR: Old woman!

DENNIS: Man!

ARTHUR: Man. Sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?

DENNIS: I’m thirty-seven.

ARTHUR: I– what?

DENNIS: I’m thirty-seven. I’m not old.

ARTHUR: Well, I can’t just call you ‘Man’.

DENNIS: Well, you could say ‘Dennis’.

ARTHUR: Well, I didn’t know you were called ‘Dennis’.

DENNIS: Well, you didn’t bother to find out, did you?

ARTHUR: I did say ’sorry’ about the ‘old woman’, but from the behind you looked–

DENNIS: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!

Who is Vince Offer? He’s the ShamWow guy. The smoothness of Seacrest with the feisty personality of Pesci - after he was labeled a talentless Hollywood hack of course. He is the Vanilla Ice of infomercials, taking any and all commercial popularity from Billy Mays. 

The infamous ‘Offer-look’ is that of which is a cross between Jim Carrey and Blue Steel. He’s not an ambi-profiler, he can’t do right.

For example, here’s Vince during the ShamWow days complete with the fauxhawk and left profile:

Here’s Vince with a new apron, a weird perm, and SlapChop complete with Mr. Graty:

Here’s his not so good right profile:

What’s better than a catchy two syllable product name? That’s right, a catchy two syllable product name video. I, for one, think they could’ve selected a better name.

Some failed names might have consisted of: Snatch ‘N Slap, SlappyMcSaladTosser and who can forget DonkeySlap. All of which, frankly, sound better than SlapChop.

Needless to say, it’s gonna entice a lot of buyers based on the commercial. Take a look at the spot and tell me you don’t want one:

SlapChop

I had to stop this at :38 right after he says, “You’re gonna love my nuts”.

First off: bravo, Vince.

I had to rewind it a couple times because it was so fantastic.

Overall the product looks really decent, great demos and a great advertising successor in comparison to the ShamWow. A lot of people will buy the hand chopper because of the added sparkles to oreo’s and fruit, some might buy it for the no-look toss over the right shoulder into the kitchen sink, other people will think it’s funny and different then order it just to tell their friends, then their friends will let them know that they’re fucking stupid.

The genius behind this ad stems from the ridiculousness of Billy Mays peppered with added no-breath-smoothness without the over-the-top annoying factor. A+ all around. Vince could probably sell me a flat tire and I’d buy it. He is going to be an even more popular Halloween costume next year.

“It pops open like a buddahfly.”

Pick one up in 2009 and tell me you don’t love his nuts.

Happy new year.

The ‘lol’.

‘Laughing out loud‘ or ‘laugh out loud’. The definition of ‘lol’ has greatly dimished over time and does not in fact represent it’s acronym in present day internet culture. It gained the most use in internet communication starting with the popular AOL chat in the early 90s. What was meant as a roar of hearty laughter has become a more subdude mental sneeze or chuckle. However, the phrase continues to receive lots of mileage and is the most common form of an online hilarious reaction. Variants include “LOL”, “lols”, “lolz”, “lawl”, “lulz”, and “looooool” depending on three factors: age, maturity level, common english skillz.

When do I use ‘lol’?

This can be a difficult decision because you don’t want to look like a noob in conversation. The best case scenario would be to use it in response to a witty, non-personal joke that warrants applause for energy and effort. For example, videos and content by Yahtzee from escapistmagazine.com are best known for getting a ‘lol’ because of the fast-paced intellectual British wry wit. The “haha’s” should be limited and varied unless you know the dude/dudette personally or have a personal connection online. Keep it lower case for the most part and limit the caps to a topic you have a connection with.

The ‘haha’.

The ‘haha‘ is one of a series of laughs dedicated directly to the sound of which a laugh is originated, the mouth or le bouche. It’s most commonly used for a deep personal expression of taste, preference, or acceptance between family or good friends that share inside jokes or personal banter only you may ‘get’. The variants can be “HAHA” for an added bigger seemingly sarcastic punch (but it’s gotta be REALLY damn funny to be pulled off correctly, you don’t want to seem desperate like you’ve never laughed before), “hahaha”, “haaahahaha”, “bwahaha” and sometimes even just “ha” - much like the way you would go to a show and buy your friend’s band’s t-shirt because no one else can afford to pay $20 for that crap.

When do I use ‘haha’?

To properly use ‘haha’ you must first have a solid online relationship with that person OR want to pursue things further over time without blowing your load by throwing out the “HAHA” too soon. If it’s still early, take it slow - you don’t want to be the overlaugher that turns the other person off right away. It’s your job to properly guide them through your personality with your reactions, don’t give it away with sympathy “haha’s” for free. Make them work for that big ‘HAHA’. It will come, but be patient because it may take time for it to develop. They should be worth it and relatively good looking.

I’m not advocating you should follow my opinionated unwritten social laws, because laws are meant to be broken - rather these tips I have offered may give you the proper edge in order to maintain a decent and hip rapport with old and new online chums. Please use responsibly.

Laying the smack down on a toy helo.